I just realized...

I just realized how much I'm still holding on to everything. How what I had done, or had nearly done, was still being carried around.
I get it, this is old news, yes, I tried to hurt people, we know, that was then and this is now, get on with your life, etc.



But this is bothering me more than I originally realized, how much that, even though they may have accepted my apologies, that I may not have accepted their forgiveness. Heck, I don't even know i they truly forgave me, and why should they? Why should they forgive the one who tried to hurt them, even as they tried to help him? I can not answer that, those who did forgive me may have come to their own reasons why, and those who haven't can blame me all they want for what I may have tried to do. I blame me for what I tried to do.

I will say it now, at the time of each incident, I tried to severely hurt, even kill, someone. I don't feel that "sorry" quite cuts it, but it is all I can do now. At the time, I was in a "blind rage," I guess that was my way of explaining it in a way that made me feel as though I was not directly in control. I remember though consciously deciding on my actions, I may have had my inhibitions reduced, but I was still in control enough to know what I was doing. To recognize those around me, and I feel now as though I had no excuse. I was nothing more than some kid throwing a tantrum, trying to make you "respect" me the only way I could think of, and I am so sorry.

Even with the therapy and the medication, I'm not sure I can forgive myself.
Every hardship I've faced, every difficulty I've had, I have brought upon myself.


Oh no, this does not in any way mean that I am giving up or anything, I just really felt the need to get this off my chest. I think I feel a bit better after writing this, actually. Meh, I'm going to go read something funny now.